Loss

            As many of you probably already know, I have had to leave my community, a place I have come to love, cherish and call “home” for the last almost 8 months of my service.  This was supposed to be my home for my 2 years of PC service.  Most people in PC knew how much I loved my site, how happy I was there and how much of a perfect fit it was for me.  I was surrounded by schools and children, in a rural small community, had a beautiful house and an organization with amazing people who I became great friends with.  For the longest time, I kept telling my self  “wow, how did I get so lucky? This could not be a more perfect fit for me!”.  But things started to go wrong, problems arose with my housing and the parish priest, and this italian visitor, which made it more and more difficult for me to stay in Kitanga.  I won’t go into details about all of these issues that arose because they are things I want to block from my memory and try to focus on all the wonderful memories I have of my community. 

            After PC came to visit my site and assess the situation, they decided to take me to Kampala to “rest” and meet with the Country Director and my champion, who was the one to come to my community.  I left Kitanga, had the meeting, from which it was decided that it was best for me to leave my community and get a site change (so, basically start all over).  The problems at my site unfortunately could not be resolved, due to these higher powers in my community controlling the situation.  So, this past Tuesday I made the long 8-hour trip with a PC driver back to Kitanga.  We arrived around 3:30 PM, the driver dropped me off and I had until 10AM the next morning to say all my goodbyes and pack up my entire life in Kitanga.  This felt like not enough time.  Most people in my community had no idea about the problems that had been going on for a couple of months, other than my coworkers and a friend at the Secondary school.  The hardest part was telling the children at St. Clelia primary school (all those beautiful kids I’m constantly posting pictures of!) that I was leaving and not coming back.  As I explained to the girls (the ones I spent most of my time with), I began crying as they looked at me with blank stares, not fully comprehending what I was saying.  They said, “But Kyomugisha, will you come back?”  Once they fully understood, I looked around and watched as they started to cry.  This was a very emotional, heartbreaking and sad experience for me.  I kept telling them I am not leaving because I WANT to.  They kept wanting answers…Why? What happened? What are the problems?   They knew I would be in Kitanga for 2 years and couldn’t understand why out of the blue I was leaving for good.  This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  I walked around hugging each one as they cried, telling them how much I would miss them and how wonderful they are.  I felt absolutely terrible dropping this “bomb” on these beautiful, innocent girls I had come to love and who gave me SO much joy during my 7 months there.  Later that night I went back to their dormitories to bring them printed photos of us to put on their walls.  I told them “Kyomugisha will always be here, just look at these photos and you will see me!”  I tucked each one into their beds, hugged them, and said goodbye.  I am so thankful to have met these beautiful kids and I hope with time I can return and visit them.  I spent the rest of the night packing up all my belongings.  My counterpart and best friend, Fausta, came and sat with me for several hours as I packed up my house.    

            The next morning we loaded up the car and I went and said the rest of my goodbyes.  First, I went to Regina, the woman I called mama wangye (my mother).  She was one of the cooks for the priests, and took it upon herself from day one to play the role of my mother in Kitanga.  As I said goodbye, I watched this strong and tough woman cry.  I had never before seen a Ugandan (adult) cry, because emotions like this are usually not shown in this culture.  I then went to the health center where I balled my eyes out saying goodbye to all my coworkers and my sweet little kids – Isaiah, Sandra and Jude (kids of my coworkers).  They are much too young to understand what was happening.  Sandra kept saying in Rukiga, “chels, noozahi? (where are you going?)” as she saw the car waiting for me.  I hugged and kissed each one of these sweet kids, then hugged all my coworkers, saving the hardest goodbye for last.  Fausta, who was not just my counterpart, but also my best friend, was the most difficult goodbye.  She was always there for me, opening up her home and heart to me, helping me through my first 7 months at site, always with a smile on her face.  She was the one person I could truly trust in my community and she will always have a special place in my heart.  We hugged goodbye, both crying, and she said “we must keep in contact and make sure this friendship continues.”  I then got in the car and drove off, watching Isaiah, Sandra and Jude chase after the car, waving goodbye.  

            I know I can always go back and visit my community, but it will never be the same.  I still can’t get the images out of my head of the children crying, saying goodbye to my counterpart as we both cried, and leaving people who were like family to me.  I know with time, I will look back on my experience in Kitanga and remember all the happy moments I had there.   I feel like I have a big empty space in my heart.  Leaving the place I called “home” feels like an enormous loss.  This has by far been the hardest part of my 10 months in Uganda and possibly one of the hardest days in my life.  I never expected to form such close connections in just 7 months in my community, but I did, and this is what made the goodbyes so hard.  As Peace Corps volunteers, we go through a lot, experience a lot of highs and lows, and at the end of the day, overcome so much that most people back home will never fully understand.  I expected the sickness, the harassment, the language barriers, and cultural differences, but this was something I had not expected and really hit me hard.  I am trying to stay positive and surround myself with positive and supportive people and continue to tell myself that everything happens for a reason.  I think of this quote everyday, which makes me happy… “Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened.” 

Here are some photos from my final months in Kitanga........

Carrie visiting Kitanga

Gift, she transferred in this school year and immediately latched on to me :) 

Isaiah

Jude, Sandra, Isaiah and Sheila

Sheila

Hilda

Sandra

Learning how to make chapattis at the girls secondary school 

Learning the macarena ;)

HIV education 

Condoms!!

Digging in the field with Fausta --- everyone was shocked!

Jude and I on outreach

Precious

Isabella

Sheila and Isaiah who i made carry my books ;)

My coworker Prudence's new baby!

They wanted a photo of them washing!

I brought paper and markers and we made the game "memory" 

Merentiana

1, 2, 3...silly faces!...

My friend and fellow PCV, Paul, came with me to my site and sang for the kids

They loved it!

My coworkers

Justine, my good friend and the matron at the girls secondary school

Last morning in Kitanga,  saying goodbye to all my wonderful coworkers